He was the kindest, most thoughtful, and unassuming man you’d ever met while you were dating. He always deferred to your choices of where to go and what to do when you’d make plans to spend time together or go out to eat. However, he’d often make a mistake in the time of the activity, or forget to make a reservation at your favorite restaurant, resulting in the two of you engaging in some other activity that he preferred or eating at a restaurant of his choosing. He always apologized for his error in making plans, so you swallowed your disappointment, put on a smile, and tried to enjoy your time together, hoping that next time your plans would work out differently. After all, it didn’t matter where you went or what you did together, so long as you got to spend time together—right?So then How to Pray for a Passive-Aggressive Husband
Now that you’re married, he repeatedly makes mistakes—not only in planning, but also in daily household activities. For example, if you ask him to do some minor home or vehicle maintenance, he does it haphazardly or incompletely—requiring you to either redo it, finish it, or hire someone else to do it. Or, if he “helps you out” by doing the dishes, he leaves gritty residue on plates and utensils, or greasy film on pots and pans—forcing you to rewash much of what he did, even as he acts surprised that the dishes are still dirty. Or, perhaps he forgets to attend an important appointment or activity that’s been planned far in advance. Worse yet, when you point out these deficiencies to him, you’re the “bad guy” for being so critical, while he’s the “victim” of your excessively high standards.
Are your standards really too high? Or are his standards too low?
Are your expectations of him too great? Or is he intentionally shirking responsibilities?
Either way, you finally stop asking or expecting anything from him because you’d rather just do tasks yourself than live in constant disappointment and frustration.
On top of your disappointment and frustration over his deficiencies, you have to deal with the resulting conflict if you attempt to address these issues with your husband. The conflict comes because, rather than engaging in a meaningful conversation about his behavior, he either gives you the silent treatment, makes a sarcastic remark, or mutters something under his breath that you can’t quite hear—causing you to blow up in anger. After you blow up, he’ll accuse you of overreacting and causing a conflict when he simply “made a mistake” or “forgot to do something.” He’ll insist that you’re dragging the matter out in order to get in the last word—once again making himself the victim. However, the conflict isn’t really over in his mind, because he’ll purposely sabotage his next task in order to punish you for confronting his previous behavior.
What you didn’t identify while dating, but is now manifesting full-force in your married life, is the passive-aggressive behavior in your husband.
What is the cause of passive-aggressive behavior?
In the natural course of things, there are many causes of passive-aggressive behavior. Most individuals who display this behavior learned it in childhood, so it became a way of life for them as adults.
Your husband may have witnessed passive-aggressive behavior in one of his parents and saw this behavior as a tool to manipulate one’s spouse into acquiescing to one’s own wishes without direct confrontation.
Your husband may have been taught as a child that openly expressing negative emotions was unacceptable; therefore, rather than engaging in discussion about his feelings, he covertly reacts to expectations that anger him.
Your husband may have had a bad experience in a relationship due to a conflict and now believes that he must hide his anger in order to maintain your relationship; consequently, to avoid conflict, he orchestrates situations to suit his desires.
Regardless of when and where your husband learned to implement passive-aggressive behavior, he learned that it’s an effective way to manipulate people to get what he wants without confrontation.
How to Pray for a Passive -Aggressive Husband
How do I deal with a passive-aggressive husband in my daily life?
In dealing with a passive-aggressive husband, you need to realize that he will never admit that he’s demonstrating these behaviors. He doesn’t like confrontation and will deny that there’s a problem. Because he insists there isn’t a problem, he won’t engage in a serious conversation about the cause of these behaviors, meaning that you can’t work together on your mutual interactions to overcome and correct them. So how do you deal with a passive-aggressive husband in daily life?
Professionals who counsel in this area advise against ignoring your husband’s passive-aggressive behavior. In doing so, you send the message to him that you’re consenting to that behavior and you become an enabler—allowing him to continue that behavior without consequence. However, they recommend that you keep yourself from becoming angry when you point out your husband’s passive-aggressive behaviors in order to avoid conflict. You should very calmly point out the deficiencies and ask the reason for them; ask if being expected to perform that specific task angers him. If he mutters something under his breath or makes a sarcastic remark when you point out a deficiency, calmly ask him to repeat what he said; this will hopefully cause him to think about what he said and why he said it. Establishing these lines of communication about his motivations will aid him in evaluating and acknowledging his feelings, while simultaneously helping to establish boundaries for acceptable behavior. The goal is to help him to know that it’s okay to be angry and that there are healthy ways to express that anger so that you can work on problems together, as a couple.
Now that we’ve looked at the “natural” causes and remedies for your husband’s passive-aggressive behavior, let’s address the more important underlying spiritual sources and the type of deliverance that is available.
What is the spiritual root of passive-aggressive behavior?
Passive-aggressive behavior in men has its spiritual roots in Israel’s King Ahab. Let’s look at how this king used manipulation of others to get what he wanted.
First, King Ahab married Jezebel, the daughter of the Zidonian king and a worshiper of Baal; Ahab then began to worship Baal himself (1 Kings 16:31). This shows us that Ahab was a weak man, as a husband is called to lead and not follow his wife, even as Christ leads His Church (Ephesians 5:23).
Ahab’s passive-aggressive behaviors first became evident after God spoke judgment against Israel through the prophet Elijah (1 Kings 17:1). Jezebel isn’t mentioned as being present when Elijah delivered God’s words of rebuke to Ahab, so Ahab must have relayed the conversation to her. Ahab didn’t rule his house as a man is called to do (1 Timothy 3:5); rather, he chose to rule his house and his kingdom subversively through his evil wife, Jezebel. Therefore, upon hearing of God’s judgment on Israel because of the sin of Baal worship, Jezebel ordered the killing of all the Lord’s prophets in Israel in an attempt to silence them. The only prophets who escaped the massacre were Elijah, whom the Lord led into hiding (1 Kings 17:2-5), and the 100 prophets that Obadiah hid in caves (1 Kings 18:4).
Later, after Elijah killed the 450 prophets of Baal (1 Kings 18:22, 1 Kings 18:40), we are specifically told that Ahab went home and relayed the events to Jezebel (1 Kings 19:1). As a result of Ahab telling Jezebel about the slaughter of Baal’s prophets, she swore on her own life that she would take Elijah’s life in retribution (1 Kings 19:2).
On yet another occasion, Ahab desired the vineyard of a man named Naboth; however, Naboth refused to part with his vineyard because it was his inheritance (1 Kings 21:2-3). Rather than using his authority as king of Israel to acquire the vineyard, Ahab went home and pouted like a child (1 Kings 21:4). When Jezebel learned the reason for Ahab’s distress, she promised to get the vineyard for him (1 Kings 21:7). Then, usurping his authority as her husband and as king of Israel, Jezebel wrote letters in Ahab’s name commanding that Naboth be put to death (1 Kings 21:8-10). After Jezebel had Naboth killed, rather than correcting Jezebel for her evil act, Ahab went out and took possession of his coveted vineyard (1 Kings 21:16). Ahab was a weak king who repeatedly used passive-aggressive behaviors to empower his evil wife, Jezebel, to carry out not only her own evil deeds, but also those that he wanted carried out (1 Kings 21:25).
Jezebel wasn’t the only person on whom Ahab used passive-aggressive behavior to get what he wanted. When king Jehoshaphat of Judah came to visit Ahab, he became Ahab’s next target. Ahab mentioned to Jehoshaphat that the Syrians had control of some of Israel’s land and asked him to help reclaim it (1 Kings 22:4). He then tricked Jehoshaphat into wearing his kingly robes going into battle, setting him up as a decoy, while Ahab dressed in a disguise, knowing that the Syrians would target Jehoshaphat, thinking that he was Ahab (1 Kings 22:30).
As the wife of a man who exhibits passive-aggressive behavior, it’s vitally important that you don’t take on a dominant, controlling, Jezebel-like spirit, who controls your household. It’s equally important that you don’t allow your husband to manipulate you into doing his “dirty work,” sacrificing you or your reputation to get what he wants, while maintaining his own appearance of innocence.
How do I deal with a passive-aggressive husband on a spiritual level?
To deal with a passive-aggressive husband on a spiritual level, you must remember that you aren’t dealing with flesh and blood, but with principalities, powers, darkness, and wickedness in the spiritual realm (Ephesians 6:12), all of which Christ triumphed over on the cross (Colossians 2:15). In light of this fact, you can rest assured that the battle isn’t yours to fight—it’s the Lord’s battle (2 Chronicles 20:17).
What are you to do while the Lord fights the battle for you?
To initiate the battle, you need to cry out to the Lord in prayer for your husband’s deliverance from passive-aggressive behavior and from your emotional, rather than spiritual, response to these behaviors. When you cry out for help, the Lord will hear and deliver you (Psalm 34:17).
When passive-aggressive behaviors manifest in your husband, you need to authoritatively speak the Lord’s rebuke over these demonic forces, not only the spirit of Ahab, but also the accompanying spirit of Jezebel, that would try to destroy your husband, yourself, and your marriage (Jude 1:9).
You need to continue in prayerful resistance to the devil in both of your lives, not only in your husband’s passive-aggressive behavior, but also in your own reactions to his behavior, bringing your thoughts and resulting interactions with your husband into obedience to the Lord (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Finally, every chance you get, you should attempt to set your marriage in God’s ordained order, encouraging your husband to take his God-ordained place as head of the household (1 Corinthians 11:3), so that you can take your God-ordained place as his precious wife (Proverbs 31:10).
Prayer for my passive-aggressive husband:
Father, God in Heaven, I ask Your forgiveness for the many times that I’ve reacted in ungodly ways to my husband’s passive-aggressive behavior. Open my eyes, Lord, so that I may see the spiritual forces behind his behavior, and that I might rebuke them and not my husband. Fight this battle for me, Lord, and deliver my husband from this bondage of weakness. Strengthen my husband to be the man You have called him to be, such that he can lead our home with confidence and integrity. As You strengthen my husband, Lord, help me encourage him to take charge of our home so that I can take the supportive role that a wife is supposed to have, rather than the role of overseer that I have had to assume in the past. Heal our marriage, Lord, and set it in proper order according to Your Word. In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.